A New Me

The past few months have been rough for me. Adjusting to life with our second little miracle, and trying to balance being a mother, a wife, and a career woman have proven difficult for me. I have been taking my stresses out on my family, and my marriage has begun to suffer as a result. I want to be a better mom, and a better wife. Over the past few days and weeks, I have begun to see that I am the only one who can make me happy. No matter what Jeremy does or doesn’t do, I just can’t seem to get out of that unhappy rut. I need to choose to be happy, not expect things from him to make me happy. If I continue to expect that, it will be a constant cycle of let-downs and disappointments.

I have been doing a lot of soul searching lately; trying to figure out what it is that I want from my husband and from my marriage. On MckMama’s blog yesterday, I was reading some of her posts about marriage. I felt as though I was reading the pages of my life as I read about the marital struggles that she and her husband have overcome. One of her posts spoke to me. It was like a slap in the face, like God put that post there for me to find and learn from. She talked about focus. Focus has become my new word to live by. She talked about how she learned to focus on all of the good things about her husband, and not only the negative. I need to learn to do this. I want to do this. I want to learn to appreciate all of the things that my husband does do for me, and not dwell so much on the fact that he leaves his dirty clothes on the floor, or doesn’t put his dishes in the sink. I want to be thankful that he is willing to do the type of work that he does, which requires him to be away from our family sometimes, all so that we can provide a better life for our kids. I want to appreciate the fact that he is always willing to help out with the kids, and give me much-needed breaks. I want to be happy with him because of who he is and what he does for me and our family. I don’t want to be angry and frustrated with him because he is not perfect – show me someone who is. We all have our faults, and I know that I have many. I know that this is going to be a challenge for me. I know that there will be days where I will look at my husband and be frustrated with him because I am so overwhelmed with the to-do lists, and he seems so care-free about everything. And I know that he will most definitely tick me off at some point or another, but I need to learn to let it go. Get over it. As my sister once said to me (joking, of course): “Cry me a river, then build a bridge and get over it”. That is what I need to learn to do – get over it. Holding grudges does no good for anyone. This all seems so simple, so common-sense. I know that it will be a challenge for me, a conscious decision that I will have to make – to focus on the good things.